Complications
by LaNorita
Summary: It scarily repeats itself to the exact same detail time after time. And I take it all in. Not taking any action. Any responsibility. I just endure. I just accept. It’s easier this way.
1. Intro

"Baby, I'm so sorry."

We're entering the last fase. The last scene. It always ends like this. I shouldn't be surprised anymore. But somehow I still am. I still think that it might end differently sometimes. That it could end on a different note. Sometimes I even think it might begin differently. Or not begin at all. I naively keep hoping so, anyway.

But it doesn't change. Not even in the slightest. It scarily repeats itself to the exact same detail time after time. And I take it all in. Not taking any action. Any responsibility. I just endure. I just accept. It's easier this way.

"Will you forgive me?"

The similarity continues. Am I the only one in here who takes notice of it? Or is it just that obvious? Am I that obvious? The question is always asked. The answer is always the same. It doesn't change. I don't change it. I'm too weak to adjust it. And I've become pathetically predictable. I deserve everything that comes my way. I bring it upon me myself.

"Please forgive me. I need you. Forgive me?"

It almost sounds believable. Almost. I'm not the only predictable one in this relationship. I'm the only pathetic one though. I'm eerily silent as I keep gazing at the mirror. There aren't any tears this time. No silent sobs or saddened features. Just blank and vacant eyes staring. I guess it's the only change I can make.

"Baby?"

He's nervous, I can feel it. He's wondering why I'm taking so long to answer him. Why I'm staring pokerfaced into the mirror. What I'm contemplating about. Or whether I've finally grown a spine and leave him once and for good. If you're wondering too, I didn't. I'm just thinking how I'll cover up the remnants of the fight this time. How I'll cover these bruises. Inwardly and outwardly. What excuses I'll have to come up with this time. Black eyes are the worst.

"Okay."

It's short and detached. But it's enough. It seals the deal for him. I feel him heaving a relieved sigh, before kissing me quickly on top of my head. I don't respond. Through his reflection in the mirror I see him grabbing his cell from the side table. I feel sorry for the evening plans he's about to cancel once more. I was really looking forward to them.

"Hi! Hey, how are you? Good, good. Hey, I just wanted to say that we aren't going to make it tonight. Yeah, I know it sucks. Spencer had a little accident, so we're just gonna stay in. No, no it's okay you don't have to come. It's nothing bad, you know how clumsy Spencer is."

A derogative laugh follows that little comment. Clumsy Spencer. Apparently clumsiness is in my nature. Perfect explanation you can use for multiple excuses. You must think I'm a coward. A disgrace to independent women worldwide. A perfect example of the pathetic woman who keeps returning to the person who beats her up relentlessly, time after time. There's a catch, though. The only person I feel safe enough to indulge this dark secret of mine to. The only person who I want to talk about it and ask help from. The only person I trust with the whole of my heart.

"Okay, I will. Spencer says she's sorry again. See you around, Ash."

Is his childhood best friend.

*******


	2. Chapter 1

Things haven't always been like this. Between Evan and me, I mean. You could say we we're somewhat happy once. I liked him and he definitely liked me. He spoiled me. Showered me with gifts, in order to persuade me into a relationship. I don't think he ever understood that it was the simple gestures that mean everything to me. I don't think he ever will. Our friends seemed to think we were the perfect fit. And I went along with it.

There weren't a whole lot of other guys I was interested in and I was tired of facing mom in the holidays with no significant other on my side. Wait, let me rephrase that. I was tired of hearing my mom _complain _about the lack of significant others in my life. So starting a relationship with Evan, only had its perks it seemed It didn't take long before he asked me to move out of my small dorm and move in to his large apartment. It seemed too fast at the time, but I didn't have the heart to turn him down. And our relationship was progressing well. It felt comfortable. And so did he.

And then everything changed.

The first time he hit me was about eight months ago. We had just gotten back from a night out and he was too drunk to think straight. He slapped me in the face, hard, because he thought I was flirting with a random guy in the club. While it was really the random guy that was flirting with me and who I kept denying the whole night.

He was too shocked to do anything more than that. I was too shocked to fight back or even run away. He started crying and said he was sorry for about a million times. I forgave him, because I knew that Evan, would never hurt me intentionally. I kept telling myself that he was drunk and agitated and misinterpreted the whole situation. Little did I know that it was the beginning of worse times.

The last time he hit me was last night. He was sober, dressed (as was I) and ready to leave when he couldn't find his car keys. He asked me where they were and I honestly told him I had no idea. He didn't believe me. He punched me three or four times hard in the ribs and once in the face. Straight in the eye.

These last months the beatings have been getting worse and the reasons for them have been getting less significant. You're probably wondering why I'm still wasting my time with him. Why I don't just run away as far as I can from him. Well, it's isn't because I think he's the one for me and that he doesn't mean to disfigure me. It's not even because I'm scared of him or scared of leaving him. The reasons are far more complex than that.

"Hey there, beautiful."

She's far more complex.

"Now, why are you wearing those huge sunglasses on a cloudy day." She smiles as she approaches me. "Don't deprive me of your pretty blue eyes, Spence." She continues as she attempts to take them off.

I'm quick to react and quickly retreat my face. Steadily holding my shades in the process. A puzzled look is what I'm rewarded with.

"I … look awful." I hesitantly begin explaining. "Believe me, I'm doing you a favour by covering my eyes."

"Believe me you're not." She counters jokingly as she makes a move for my shades again. I take back another step and she now looks confused and even a bit hurt.

"Look I didn't get any sleep last night and I really look terrible. Just let me hide my sorrow behind these ridiculous large sunglasses, Ash." I explain with the hint of a smile. Her frown immediately disappears and makes place for a sweet smile instead.

"Okay." She sighs exasperatedly. "How come you didn't get any sleep any way?" She asks as she approaches me again.

I stiffen right away and feel my cheeks burn up. "Uh … I-"

"Oh!" She suddenly says, while steadily closing her eyes. "Ew! I really didn't need to know that! Bad images!" She yells, covering her face.

Any other day, I'd immediately set the record straight and explain that it wasn't what I meant. But now, I'm just grateful that the real truth is covered up for just a bit longer. I hate being dishonest to her. It hurts more with every single lie I tell. But I have no choice. As much as I want to tell Ashley the truth, she's also the last person I want to know about this.

"Okay, change of subject. How was your date last night?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Well, let's just say that science, surprisingly, isn't my thing." She says scrunching up her nose.

"That bad, huh?"

"I ended up dozing off while the honour guest was giving his speech. I think I snored at one point, considering my date's reaction when he woke me up." She explains as she tries to contain her laugh. "Yeah, I got dumped by a geek."

"Ouch, not the best night it seems." I sympathize, bumping her shoulder in the process.

"Yeah well, you guys bailing out on me was a bad omen. I missed you last night. Well Evan too, but especially you." She says genuinely. I shyly duck my head, before whispering a small thank you.

I remember the nerviness I felt when I was about to meet Ashley for the first time. I had heard a lot about her and knew that she was a huge part of Evan's life. They were friends since they were eight. I knew I had to make a good impression if I wanted her approval. Approval might feel like a big word, but meeting Evan's best friend seemed more poignant and important than meeting his parents. The last thing I wanted was to leave a bad impression on Ashley, be hated by her and dumped by Evan because of it. Nowadays, the cards seem to have turned completely.

Despite my edginess that day and clumsy behaviour (for once it wasn't a lie), everything just clicked. It might sound cliché, but Ash and I clicked. We hit it off immediately and ended up talking all night on the patio, with a bottle of cheap wine between us. Evan had bailed out on us and went to bed, tired of trying to enter our bubble unsuccessfully. Me and Ashley, didn't dare to call it night. Afraid that we'd never feel the same comfort with each other again. We didn't want to face the awkwardness of our next meeting, where we'd realize we'd said too much in our drunken stupor. But the awkwardness never came.

"You alright, though? What happened last night?" She asks genuinely concerned. "I wanted to cancel out on Science-boy and come visit you instead, but Evan said you just wanted to rest."

I wish I could have rested. I wasn't lying when I said I didn't have any sleep last night. But it was for completely other reasons. I spend the whole night on the patio, just lying there and thinking. Mostly coming up with a new excuse to tell. A new lie to fabricate.

"I bumped my head under the bathroom sink pretty hard, after picking up my toothbrush." I begin, looking at the other end of the parking lot. It didn't matter that I had shades on. It was hard facing her when I wasn't being honest with her. "I was feeling dizzy for a bit and had a killer headache, so I just wanted some rest."

It took me more than three hours to come up with that story and I now realize that it doesn't really check with my earlier 'no sleep'- comment. I sincerely hope she won't pick up on it.

"You okay, now?" She says concerned. "You sure you don't want me to bring you to a doctor? Or at least score you some wicked drugs?" She continues, lifting one eyebrow.

"No, I'm fine. You're sweet." I chuckle, as I lean my body a bit against hers. "I was just being a drama queen again. I could've probably made it to your date if I tried."

"Trust me, it would have only increased your headache. Who knew science-conventions revolved solely around science." She jokes, widening her eyes for emphasis.

"I know, shocking isn't it?" I play along.

"Seriously, though. You're good, right? Nothing wrong?" She asks fretfully. She never disappoints me in the care-department. And I admit that it feels nice. She's the comfort I've been missing in Evan. She's the safety net I can't risk to lose.

"Perfect." I answer as believable as I can.

I can't tell her, because I can't lose her. These last few months she's become so much more than 'just' my boyfriends best friend. She's become my best friend. And I can only hope she regards me in the same way. Either way, her bond with Evan will always be stronger than the one I have with her. And when it will come down to it, she'll most probably choose him over me. It's a risk I can't bare to take. I wouldn't want her to make a choice in the first place. I don't want her to go through that. I understand that my connection with Ashley is made through Evan. If I lose Evan, I lose Ashley. So, I do whatever it takes to keep my bond with Ashley intact. I need it to be intact. I need her.

"Hey is Evan home tomorrow night?" She suddenly asks, eyes to the sky.

"No, he has some study group somewhere." I answer as I watch her intently. She lowers her gaze and fixes her eyes on me once more. Flashing me a bright smile in the process.

"Great! Tomorrow. You. Me. Alcohol. Patio." She says before taking my hand in hers and gradually dragging me towards her car.

"Okay. Great." I laugh loudly. Although I don't really think she was waiting on my approval.

"Now, let's go get some ice-cream!" She yells unnecessarily , while increasing her pace. Earning us a few stares here and there. I only smile. She's the only one who seems capable of that these days. I want to hang on to that. I need to hang on to that. She's my only hope. And I can't bare the thought of not having her around. And because of that, I keep Evan around.

It's the only way this can work out.


End file.
